


Shatter Me

by CapnSeth



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Crying, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Friendship, Gen, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Music, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2020-11-08 01:42:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20827289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapnSeth/pseuds/CapnSeth
Summary: Lapis Lazuli is a singer in a hardcore band with Lars and Amethyst. When she's on stage singing is the only time she feels like herself.





	1. Me and the Crowd

She grips the mic in her hand and feels the excitement and anxiety of being on stage mingle together in her stomach. She focuses on her breathing, it’s all about breathing, it only works if you breathe properly. Gems may not need air to live, but they need it to sing. She takes a deep breath and belts out the first note and hits the first chord on her electric guitar. The distorted sound of the guitar mixes with the aggressive vocals and smashes into the audience. Teens, mostly. Outcasts, those who have a hard time filling the “normal” niches in Earth society. Punks, emos, Goths, metalheads. Many of them pushed out by their peers because of some thing that sets them apart. Autistic, trans, disabled, gay, adopted. But they all came to this place for the same purpose: to forget the pain that they wade through and let loose their frustrations. Lapis is there for the same reason.

Lapis sings until her throat is raw. The people in the crowd run around crashing into and shoving one another. It’s a good pit, the best one she’s seen at any of her shows. As she sings, and yells, and bangs out chords on her SG, she feels the tension bleed away. It seems to Lapis Lazuli that the only time she can really be herself, really understand what she feels, is when she’s on stage. She takes all this twisted, dark, hurt energy and lets it roar out from her voice and guitar and into the hungry crowd. She takes the festering necrotic flesh of her wounded soul and lets the maggots of the crowd eat it away until there is nothing left except the hole that is always there.

After a couple of loud, fast, energetic, and angry songs, Lapis slows it down a little. This is the part of the show where people really get to see her. Outside of a show, she feels awkward about baring so much of herself to these people, many of whom are strangers. But when she’s on stage, it feels natural to tell these people about everything that she’s been through. While singing to these people, she feels so close to them; almost as if she could fuse with them. But only almost….

(V1)

I've spent my whole life falling through the cracks

My heart's not on my sleeve it's in the middle of my back

Now whenever anyone

Looks at me

Everything she took away

Is all I can see

(Chorus)

So shatter me

Just shatter me

After everything

I'd be better off you see

So shatter me

Why didn't she shatter me

Are you listening

There is nothing left for me

(V2)

Why do people find me so easy to betray

The only option is to push them away

Now whenever anyone

Touches me

Everything she took away

Is all I can see

(Chorus)

(Bridge)

Why do I want to be one

After everything she has done

She locked the door to my heart

But won't let me fall apart

(Chorus)

  
More than a few faces have tears flowing freely down them, including a boy in the back with dark hair and a pink jacket and a big yellow star on his shirt. He looks woefully out of place. Lapis sits on the edge of the stage as she sings the last chorus of _Shatter Me_ and a few people reach out to her and she touches hands with them before getting back up, signaling to Lars and Amethyst to start the next song.


	2. Nighttime Flying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis leaves the concert upset that her past can ruin the only thing that helps her feel like herself. She meets a new friend.

For the last half of the show, Lapis really lost herself in the music. The thumping of the rhythm section became her heartbeat. Her guitar and voice worked together to shape reality. Funny, how she could create any feeling with her music, but she continued to only make songs that create the feelings of pain and sadness that she so desperately wanted to be free of.

As the final chord faded out, Lapis found herself frustrated. Jasper wasn’t even here, and she  _ still _ found a way to ruin the one thing that gave Lapis any sense of relief! Lapis long ago left those underwater chains behind, and the terrible feeling of being Malachite. Terrible… and awesome… powerful…. “What the fuck?” Lapis whispered to herself, handing her guitar to a roadie and stomping out the back of the venue into an almost entirely unlit alleyway. “What the fuck?” she said, louder this time. “WHAT THE FUCK!?” she screamed, startling a cat further in to the alleyway. Her vision began to blur as tears filled her eyes. She heard the door behind her open as she spread her watery wings.

“What the heck was that?” asked Lars. But Lapis was already gone, flying upward.

\---------

Lapis found herself landing in front of a dimly lit building with neon signs in the windows, advertising different kinds of local beers. There was also a small rainbow flag hanging by the door. A bell rang as she walked inside. The first time Lapis tried alcohol, she hadn’t been sure if she could even become inebriated; there was nothing like it on homeworld. Purposefully poisoning yourself and impairing your ability to function was the exact opposite of Gem philosophy. Not to mention her physical form was just a projection from the blue gemstone in the center of her back. However, she could get drunk anyway. It was an easy way to forget about stuff, if only for a little while.

She went up to the bar and ordered two shots to start, then a fruity mixed drink to nurse for a while. While she waited for the cocktail, she looked around at the few other scattered patrons. A couple bikers sat against one wall, talking quietly. There were two other people at the bar, one dark haired man, completely smashed, practically drooling on the counter. The other, strangely, was a gem. A white quartz. Ever since Steven and the Diamonds healed the corrupted gems, you could occasionally find gems living their lives in and around Beach City. The other gem must have noticed Lapis looking at her because she got up and came over.

“You’re a Lapis Lazuli right?” the strange gem asked. Lapis instinctively turned her gem away from this new person.

“Yeah, I am.” Lapis tried to smile, hoping it looked sincere.

“I haven’t met any Lapis Lazulis on Earth before.”

“As far as I know, I’m the only one.” Lapis tried not to stare at the Quartz’s gem; it was right on her sternum. “I’ve never seen another gem in a pub before.” Lapis fidgeted with the coasters from the bar.  _ This is stupid, just earlier I was screaming curse words and having an emotional breakdown, and now I’m getting all nervous just cause there’s a cute gem here? _

“Is that so?” the quartz reached over and took the coasters from Lapis’ hands. “I wasn’t even sure alcohol would do anything to us at first, so…. Makes sense.” She began stacking the coasters sticking out almost halfway over the edge of the bar.

_ What is she doing?  _ Lapis continued to watch as the quartz stacked up about five coasters. “So what do I call you? What’s your facet number?.... Or….?”

“Q.” Q brought her hand up and hit the bottom of the coasters with the backs of her fingers, causing them to flip in the air for a split second until she caught all five, her arm outstretched. Her muscular arm just inches from Lapis’ face. “That’s what the humans have taken to calling me, and I rather like it.” She began stacking more coasters as before. “What about you?”

“Well as the only Lapis Lazuli on Earth, most people just call me Lapis.” That sounded so  _ lame _ . Was she blushing? She felt hot. Q performed the same maneuver as before, but this time with six coasters, sinewy arm outstretched again.  _ She’s strong,  _ Lapis thought. _ Well of course she is, she’s a quartz. Just like…. _

Lapis started as a click sounded on the bar in front of her. Her drink. Right. Lapis shook her head slightly. Her head felt heavier than it should. The shots from earlier.  _ Maybe that’s why I’m getting so distracted. _

“Just Lapis? Simple enough, I can remember that.” Q smiled.

“I hope I can remember Q by tomorrow,” Lapis said. As Q chuckled and continued stacking coasters, Lapis reached for her drink. She froze. It was green. Lime green. Just like Peri.

Things hadn’t been the same at home since Lapis came back from space. Peri was fine. Better than fine. She had become more and more skilled with her ferrokinesis, and had learned how to use Earth tech. She was even improving her interpersonal skills, making friends. She helped the Pizzas make deliveries whenever she was in Beach City. Lapis, however, seemed to be no better off than when she left. Peridot was quickly leaving Lapis in the dust. 

“Shit,” Q muttered as coasters flew everywhere. She let out an embarrassed chuckle as she gathered them up.

_ Maybe I need a distraction, _ Lapis thought as she looked from her Peridot-like drink to the buff ex-soldier next to her. And what Lapis did next was crazy. Stupid. A mistake probably. She took a huge gulp of that green drink, it was pretty strong, to steel herself. Then, as soon as Q stood up, Lapis stood up on her tippy-toes and kissed Q right on the mouth.

\---------

Lapis floated in an abyss. Dark and cold. Was she underwater? Was she in space? Did it matter? She just floated. That was what she did. Her purpose was to float. As long as she floated, she didn’t have to believe that she was real. She could pretend that this was all just some elaborate simulation in some complex gem computer back on homeworld. Soon enough, they would pull the plug and everything would cease. All the waves on the beach, all the plants growing in the fields, all the threats of war, the pain of loss, the fear of being imprisoned…. It could all be fake, as long as she just… floated….

She'd left Earth behind weeks ago, reasoning that the Crystal Gems would be better off without her to hold them back. She was broken. Not in her gem, like Steven had fixed before. No, this was something that Steven’s magic spit couldn’t repair. So, she’d left. Taking the barn to Earth's only natural satellite; creatively named "The Moon". It was a few Earth miles below her.  _ I guess it’s space after all. _ She started floating back down towards the moon. 

She soon landed silently on the surface and started walking towards the barn and the moon base. Strange how easy it was to walk on the moon given it’s low gravity. She walked around craters and over ridges, her dress blowing in the wind. Her mind heavy with thoughts of back home.  _ Is that what Earth is to me now, home? _ She rounded a cliffside and looked up to see the Crystal Gem’s palace.

Lapis’ heart dropped. What? She couldn’t be here now! She heard familiar sinister laughing behind her. She turned around to see the ocean. Filled with dread, Lapis turned back around to run up to get help from the Crystal Gems. But no matter how fast she ran, the palace just seemed to get further and further away. The sound of that hideous laughter grew more and more intense. Vibrating her very being to the core. Lapis was sure the sound would poof her, if not cause her gem to shatter completely.

Suddenly, she felt something wrap around her chest. Looking down, it was chains made of ocean water. They started dragging her back towards the sea. Lapis fought to hold her position, but sand was really bad for maintaining traction. She was sliding back. She pushed and pushed against the chains. But it was no use.  _ Maybe I should give up, _ she thought. Then she felt breath on the back of her neck, and suddenly the laughing wasn’t all around, it was  _ right there.  _ Lapis let up for just a second, the familiarity of the voice and the promise of power, even at the expense of losing control, was too much. Just the idea of not having to think about all the things she’d fucked up, proved too enticing of a promise. She felt her physical form begin to transform into light as the ocean waves finally overtook her.

\---------

Lapis’ eyes popped open and her spine became a steel rod for just a split second. Then she noticed Jasper’s arm around her chest. Lapis screamed, and flailed around to get herself free from the gem’s grasp. At the same time, Jasper let out a shout and sprung to her feet, pulling a gleaming halberd from the gem on her chest. A lamp got eviscerated as Lapis fell to the floor.

“What happened?” Jasper asked.  _ Not Jasper, Q. _ “Lapis? Are you alright? What happened?” Q dismissed her weapon and came over to Lapis, concern in her eyes.

Lapis sat up, still trembling from the awful feeling of being in the grasp of her abuser. As Q approached, Lapis couldn't keep herself from putting her back, and her gem, against the wall.

Q reached out to put a hand on Lapis' shoulder. Lapis flinched at the touch. There was hurt and confusion in Q's eyes, as tears filled Lapis' own. "I'm sorry," Lapis sobbed.

"Lapis," Q started. Then she looked at Lapis with that look that people give when you're starting to be a burden on them. That look that Lapis couldn't stand.

_ No, not you too. You were supposed to be a distraction. _ "I'm sorry," Lapis said again, tears now freely flowing down her cheeks. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She stood on unsteady feet with arms wrapped around her stomach, and started making her way towards the door out of Q’s bedroom.

“Lapis, wait!” Q said. “What’s wrong? Was it a dream?” Q reached out and grabbed Lapis’ arm.

“ _ NO! _ ” Lapis screamed, pulling her arm free. Q flinched back, shock registering on her face. “I’m sorry, just… I’m sorry.” Lapis kept going, picking up her clothes as she made her way to the exit. “I can’t-when you-your-your arm was-,” she took in a shuddering breath. “It was like-,” Lapis barely choked back a small whimper. She paused by the front door, but didn’t look back. She knew she wouldn’t be able to bear to see that look in Q’s eyes again. “I’m sorry, you shouldn’t have to-,” Lapis sobbed again, choking on her words.

“Lapis… it’s-it’s alright,” Q said.

Lapis finally looked back at Q, she had that same look on her face that told Lapis it would be better if she just left. That look of sympathy and pity. Lapis couldn’t stand anybody else suffering for her sake. “No,” Lapis said, tears still spilling from her eyes. “No, it isn’t.”

With that, Lapis stumbled out into the hallway, leaving Q calling after her.


	3. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lapis gets a lesson from Greg and goes to practice with Lars and Amethyst.

“Okay, now play the triples,” Greg said. Lapis’ fingers played the familiar forms on the fingerboard of the guitar. Greg smiled. “Now double time!” Lapis flowed through the motions, focusing. “Good, good! You’ve been practicing!” Greg encouraged, “Triple time!” Again, Lapis played the forms, this time pushing her skills to the limit. Lapis then played a wrong note.

“Gah!” Lapis stood up and started pacing. “I always screw it up! I get to the important part and screw it up.”

“It’s alright, Lapis,” Greg reassured. “Just keep practicing. You did better that time then I’ve seen you do before!”

“Yeah, but not good enough.” Lapis sat back down with a sigh.

“What’s going on with you Lapis?” Greg asked. “You seem… on edge? That doesn’t sound right, but something’s definitely up.” Greg looked at her with concern.

“It’s nothing,” she lied.

“Now don’t give me that ‘it’s nothing’ shtick. I’m a dad, I have a third eye when it comes to this kinda thing.”

“A third eye? Where is it?” She looked at him confusedly.

“Oh! Not literally a third eye, it’s... a figure of speech.”

“I see.”

Greg eyed Lapis. “Okay, okay, stop trying to distract me. Now what’s wrong?”

Lapis sighed, “I did something stupid the other night, right after the concert….” She avoided looking at Greg, staring out over the ocean.

“Yeah, Steven told me you disappeared. He was pretty worried about you.” Greg chuckled lightheartedly.

“Oh,” Lapis felt a stab of pain knowing that she’d made Steven worry. “I didn’t mean to make anybody worry.” She felt tears start to well up in her eyes.  _ I’m so pathetic, always crying at the drop of a hat. _

“So, what happened?” Greg asked. Somehow he knew not to press Lapis on not wanting people to worry about her; that would probably send her into a spiral.

Lapis was quiet for a moment. “Do you remember what it’s like being on stage, performing?”

“Do I remember? Heck yeah I do! I think about it all the time.” Greg got a slightly wistful look in his eye. “You’re not trying to distract me again, are you?”

Lapis shook her head. “I promise.”

“Hmmm…” Greg thought a moment. “It was a totally unique feeling. It was like becoming somebody else, yet feeling more like yourself than ever before.”

Lapis nodded in agreement. “And you, and your band, and the crowd all become one. It’s kinda like fusing.”

“Everything that’s going wrong in your life fades away into the background, and even after the set ends, you ride that high for hours,” Greg commiserated.

“Yeah, exactly! Well,... usually,” Lapis looked away. “I…” Greg waited patiently for her to continue. She took a deep breath and said, "after the show… I…. didn't feel that. I felt… frustrated."

"We've all had bad shows," Greg reassured.

"The show wasn't bad, Greg. In fact, it was one of the best shows I've ever played. We killed it up there."

"What got you so frustrated then?"

"I…" Lapis shifted uncomfortably. "I couldn't stop thinking about…."

"About Jasper?" Greg finished.

"She's everywhere, Greg," Lapis lamented, pain in her voice. "While I was playing I realized that she-that all the songs I wrote were so sad and-and angry because of her! The one thing that I finally thought I had for me, for myself, was actually about her the whole time!" Lapis pulled her knees up to her chest, sliding back into the lawn chair. Tears were starting to spill out of her eyes now.

"I see…" Greg responded.

“I don’t know what to do.” Lapis’ voice was small, and she buried her face against her knees. She gripped her ankles to keep her hands from shaking.

“If every porkchop were perfect, we wouldn’t have hotdogs,” Greg said. Lapis looked up at him and saw the twinkle in his eye.

“Are you taking this seriously?” Lapis asked, wiping her eyes.

“I always take pork seriously, Lapis,” Greg said seriously. His eyes softened, then he said, “I know I say that a lot, and it’s kinda silly, but it really can apply to a lot of situations.”

“How exactly does this apply to  _ my _ situation, Greg?”

"Bad things happen. Sometimes it's our own fault, sometimes it's not--that's the porkchop. But that doesn't mean that good things can't come because of the bad things--that's the hotdog."

"I don't understand. What good could possibly have come from what I went through with Jasper?"

"Lapis, tell me, who comes to your shows?" Greg asked.

"Mostly kids from the city. Punks and things like that,” Lapis replied.

“Why do you think they come to your shows?”

“They like the music, I guess. Where are you going with this?” Lapis said.

“They don’t just like your music, Lapis. They like the way it makes them feel. Kids end up at these shows because they are outcasts. Most of these kids have been hurt and abused; and coming to your shows, listening to the music you make, Lapis, makes them feel seen.” Greg looked out over the sea as he continued. “It allows them to deal with these scary emotions from a safe distance. And being with a group of other people like them, hearing from a singer who somehow knows what they’re going through, helps them to feel like things are okay. It doesn’t solve the problems they deal with, but it gives them a sense of community that they don’t get anywhere else.” Greg looked back at Lapis. “And, Lapis,... that’s invaluable.”

“Oh…” was all Lapis could think to say. They both sat in silence for a time. Lapis thought about the kids at her concert, and how so many of them had cried when they heard  _ Shatter Me. _ “I never thought about it like that,” she said finally.  _ Good things come from bad things. _ When Lapis had first escaped from Jasper, she had had nowhere else to go. So she stayed on Earth.

“I think I understand what you mean about community being invaluable,” Lapis said. “When I decided to stay here on Earth--well, I guess I didn’t really have a choice, but anyway--when I ended up staying here, I felt so… isolated, abandoned. But with the Crystal Gems, and Steven, and... Peridot…. I made a home, and the loneliness stopped being so suffocating.”

“We all need to be seen,” Greg said. They both sat there, watching the waves. Greg noodled quietly on his guitar as the shadows started growing long.

“Greg, how do you know so much?” Lapis asked eventually.

Greg chuckled, “I’m a dad, it kinda comes with the territory.”

“Homeworld could use some dads, I think.” Lapis stood to leave. “Oh, and… Greg?”

“Hmm?”

“Umm… thanks.” With that, Lapis flew off.

\---------

“One, two, three four!” Amethyst shouted, counting off. Lapis and Lars just stared at her.

“Are you serious?” Lars asked. “How cliche.”

“Oh come on!” Amethyst said. “It’s not a cliche, it’s classic!”

“Guys….” Lapis said, unnoticed.

“I don’t care if classic bands of the past did it, that doesn’t mean we have to!” Lars protested. “Or do you want people to just see us as derivative?”

Amethyst scoffed, “Derivative? Dude, I’ve been on Earth for hundreds of years. Everything you humans do is derivative.”

“Guys!” Lapis said, louder. They just kept arguing. Lapis turned the gain on her amp all the way up and put on her distortion. Then she slammed her pick down across all the strings, fingering an E minor chord. Sound exploded out of her amp, startling her bandmates.

“Holy shit!” Lars yelled.

“Woah,” Amethyst said, after Lapis finally muted the strings.

“Guys,” Lapis said again. “I have an idea for a new song.” She turned her amp down to a reasonable level, tuned her E string down to a D, and started strumming. 

(Intro)

Nobody sees me

Nobody sees me

Nobody sees me

Invisible Alien

Nobody sees me

(Verse)

There are no days off from being me

The mask comes off where nobody can see

When people find out who I really am

They say “congratulations, I can’t even”

But they don’t know it’s cause I’m living in hell

(Chorus)

Invisible

Invisible

Invisible alien

Invisible

Invisible

Invisible alien

Lapis stopped there to shocked looks on her friends’ faces.

Lars said, “Isn’t that a little….”

“Heavy?” Amethyst finished. “I mean, it’s not bad, but we’ve kinda been riding this emo-slash-alternative kinda wave with obvious metal influences. But that… that was just straight up metal.”

“Heavy metal,” Lars chimed in. “Like, is your voice okay? How do you sound like that? Are… you okay?”

“Do you like it or not?” Lapis said, blushing blue.

Amethyst and Lars shared a look. “Fuck it, let’s do it,” Amethyst said.

“Needs another verse,” Lars said. “But, uh, show me that riff.”

\---------

After about an hour of practice, they all packed up to head home. “Are coming to Little Homeworld? Peri wants me to help put some finishing touches on the school,” Amethyst asked.

“Uh, no... I got somewhere... else to be,” Lapis said, looking at her phone.

_ Q: you left your boots here (12:02 pm) _

_ Q: i’d wear them, but my feet are way bigger than yours (12:16 pm) _

_ Q: oh! your probably wondering y my number is in your phone? well i did it while you were sleeping :D (12:49 pm) _

_ Q: is that creepy? sorry. i guess its good tho cuz otherwise you wouldnt get your sick ass boots back lol (1:01 pm) _

“Yeah, I’ll catch up with you, Amethyst.”

“Alright. Later dude!” Amethyst walked off and chatted with Lars.

Lapis turned back to her phone.

_ Lapis: It is kinda creepy. But I don’t mind, I’ve been looking for those boots. (1:33 pm) _

_ Q: o hey i didnt think you were gonna respond (1:36 pm) _

_ Lapis: I didn’t think you were gonna text me after a week. (1:38 pm) _

_ Q: haha yeah thats fair i guess. so when are you gonna come over to get these boots? (1:45 pm) _

Lapis felt her face flush.

_ Lapis: I can be there in half an hour. (1:46 pm) _

_ Q: lookin forward to it (1:48 pm) _

Lapis spread her watery wings and took to the sky.


End file.
